Your Gift of Burden

Many of you know that I use my Facebook account as a blog, a cathartic outlet for healing, acknowledging, and sharing. The following story is one of my most shared pieces and we wanted our whole Underground family to experience it, too. Enjoy.

 

It was a hot New York summer day many, many years ago that my beautiful, loving Grandmother went into labor and the woman, that would give me life, was born in the early morning hours of July 3rd… some 19 years later she and my dad would marry, have 4 children then late in life, their 5th.
Me.
I was a surprise.
My dad was thrilled.
Mom… not so much.
She would spend the next 25 years we walked this Earth together reminding me how much of a burden I was.
Who knew that I would be where I am today after the cold path ‘little me’ walked …
who knew that fear would turn into anger…
then resentment…
then complete numbness….
Where does one go from numb?
So much pain left in my wake.
The good kind we grow from and the bad… the kind you just don’t know what to do with and hope it fades away…
THEN, clarity.
On every level.
Again, good and bad.
It would be years into my Yogic path that I would discover that “we must sacrifice [what we think is] peace [ignoring the pain] to do the work that unravels us in order to find [a deeper] peace.”
I learned to drink in the moments of my life, past and present and thirst for the future, but have learned to be patient.
I’ve choked many times along the way… less these days but… I fall off the kindness wagon now and then. Towards myself and others. >>GASP<< haha
To err is human, no? I suppose it’s a nudge from the Universe to keep me in check.
And, that’s ok.
NOT an easy practice.
Patience is a funny thing.
I was told in 1992 by a psychic (stay with me) that my first born would be a girl and that she would be born with fire-ry red hair and that I WAS TO KNOW IT WAS MY MOTHER COMING BACK because she knew she got it wrong the first time and the universe was giving her to me AS A GIFT to feel the love of a mother and daughter relationship like I have always longed for…and that she would be everything GOOD my mother ever was and TRIED TO BE but couldn’t.
Let me repeat… the Universe decided my daughter was to be MY CHANCE TO KNOW WHAT A LOVING MOTHER/DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP IS.
WOAH. Right?
I’ve repeated this like a Māntra before I even knew what a Māntra was… the minute my eyes rested on my daughter’s… the moment she was born… *I* was reborn.
In recent years I’ve learned to accept my path with humility and see beauty where pain once was and I encourage everyone to have faith in the impossible…
that the god-awful pain that comes with shedding light in the deep, dark corners…there IS beautiful, brilliant life ready to surface as it’s meant to be lived…
And as another birthday passes, may my mother be bathing in the Peace she never experienced here on Earth.

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